The Jeans

I just threw out those jeans in that picture. I had them for 10 years and boy, did I love them. I haven’t fit in them for about 2 years but I kept them……just in case.

I didn’t always fit in those jeans. They were the pair that fit most of the time. But every once in a while I put them on and they were tight around the waist or the legs. So I would say, “Time to get focused,” and I would plan a new running goal or eat less meat or goodness, sometimes, drink a little less wine. After a few weeks, my body would respond as it should. And my favorite pair of jeans fit perfectly.

This is normal. We have weeks and months of activity and inactivity. We have holidays and seasons we indulge. We have times when we need brownies every weekend. But we try our best to feel good and get back to our comfort zone. That is what I always did.

I have a memory from years ago. I was on the beach and running after my little son. I remember saying in my head, “I am so lucky I can run like this and catch him and not be out of breath.” I remember that feeling and how strong I felt.

 While on my run today, I made a realization that those jeans will never fit again. I finally got rid of them today. At the age of 54, my body no longer responds the way it used to and I had to move on. My weight gain has been here for a while and it is different this time, in a different place and so stubborn in its belief that it belongs there forever.

 Please don’t get confused. I am not saying that we should be skinny. As a woman, a mom and as a coach, I have always preached against diets and truly believe we should pursue good health as our number one goal. I don’t care what I look like and what the scale says, but I do care how I feel.

 And when you feel uncomfortable in your skin- every day, as you run, or sit or move, it is so frustrating.

 I am not writing this looking for support, or to hear the best way to lose weight and get back to my old self. I am writing this to mourn. To mourn the way I used to be and what I need to accept now. To help me keep trying and working on my health but to move on too as to my old expectations.

 Maybe too, to let others who might be going through this know that I get it.

And though I have no answers, I feel better sharing in this safe space.